Old (1987) Photo of some of the girls I went to school with minus the one I wanted a picture the most of… “Betty Ann Elizabeth Peters”. Most of the names I have forgotten now in the picture but two, second from left, Nikki and right front row, Netasha.
Today my beloved best friend, Sherry told me she had a heart attack a couple of days ago. She is only 32 years of age. She due for 3 more operations to clear her artries because they are clogged. My prayers are with her. If you can say you can love a friend, then I love my friend Sherry. And I hope that this is only a stumbling block on the road of her life, one she will brush her knees and continue on. She is a beautiful person, both in spirit and form, a person honest, sincere and true. There is not a bad or dishonorable bone in her body. She is a soul whom I cherish knowing forever and honored to be her friend.
Get well sweet Sherry.
Today, I left the eGroup Evanescence_Rocks_Hard. It had its good times and it had its bad times. Of late, it seems a waste of time. There is a growing trend of suicide girls growing, and the advice some give is just as bad. The alternative they give is not good either, from how to cut to drugging. Worse is my friend Sasha must have blocked me. I guess she is not as mature as she believes to be offended so easily with a general statement that didn’t even pick a particular fault in her, but I guess it did hit home with her, striking a subject she refuses to admit to herself. That is the only reason I can assume she got so pissed and defensive about it. I have no idea what is it that bothering her, so I assume that it is that she wants to believe herself to be perfect. It is all I can assume, because I didn’t specificy nor do I know what is her idiocyncracies, yet she feels judged by them, whatever they are.
I really tought she was intellectually mature, and not so much of a whimpy, sissy teen like the other members of the group. After all she did claim to have an IQ above 120, but I guess IQ measures do not tell the sensibility and maturity of someone intellect, they very well could be juvinille as anyone else.
Why is it soo hard to find someone to love?
Come on… I am a nice guy. I am sincere, sweet, a wonderful person, who can make any woman truly happy. If she really interested in a sincere guy. So, why can I not find just one woman, a woman I like and can fall in love with, to pay me a little attention? I would pay her the attention she wants if she let me. Yet, why do they always ignore me?
Is it my skin, if I could I would rip it from my body… is it because I am fat? Why should that matter, am I not one who can love and give love. If I bleed is it not the same blood as any other guy? Yet, I seem always playing the fifth fiddle, I cannot even get placed into second fiddle. Even the friends who know me better than anybody, do not even give me a second glance. Why?
“How soon is now?” is like the song that plays over and over in my life. I am the son, I am the heir, of nothing in particular… I am the son and heir….. How can you say, I go about things the wrong way, I am human and I need to be loved, Just like everyone else does….
So…. here I am… searching… in vain…. time and time again… looking for someone to have a sincere heart who would see me. Give me the love I could give to thee. It’s all I ask its all I plea, but the world never hears me. What bitter is the fortune, that some may carry, if only the burden be lifted and the heart lightened, maybe I could one day have faith in thee.
Who needs friends?
I really do not know why so called friends do this….. try to set you up with people you obviously do not want to know, and people you obviously would not like. Worse they think its fun!!!!! Fun? To put you on a spot, speaking to someone you didnt want to meet? And worse, they refuse to admit that they set you up. Geez!!!!! WTF are they thinking? That somehow, we soo depressed we fall in love and fuck some ugly slut? Please friends, do not set us up with someone you know who is a social basket-case, who tries too hard to please and complete suckups. Worse, please don’t set us up without asking first, or even letting know who the fuck you going to try to set us up with. Why? because we are not going to speak to either of you again!!!!! STOP INSULTING OUR INTELLIGENCE!!!! WE NOT FUCKING STUPID!!!!
Last night, again I was called upon to wear the mask of Savior, this time I do not know what happened and my best attempts seemed to be in vain. A girl 17 messaged me, named Layla from Roschester NY, a lesbian, who seemed to be interested in making friends. That was two days ago, and yes she was depressed. I tried my best with her, didnt see much improvement, laughed and joked with her and she laughed too. Last night she told me she was going to kill herself. I tried my best to get her to talk to me. Tried to tell her that she can’t do that just as we were beginning our friendship. But online, you cannot force someone to stay and talk to you. She didnt want to say why she wanted to kill herself. I could not get her to open up. She went offline, leaving me with the notion that I might never see her online again. I have since not heared from her. I wrote her a letter last night trying agian (hoping she read it) to tell her that she can talk to me.
I do not know if she has or has not killed herself. I not seen her, and can only assume the worse. Again I was called reluctantly to be some sort of savior, something I wish would not fall in my lap. Yet, always seems to.
I can only hope that she didn’t go through with it. But I feel I gained another ghost upon my shoulders. And again I question why it seems that the lost seek me, and I am called upon to be savior, when a god I am not.
UPDATE: She is still alive, but refuses to talk about it. There is nothing I can do, if she remains closed to me.