Its Sunday November 13th, 2005; 2:27pm, Queensrche’s Silent Lucidity playing in WinAmp.
I am relaxing trying to fight a cough that is much better now. I’ve not spoken to much of anyone lately. No girls do I email as all seem to be waste of time, there no communication there.
This is a month where I am trying to recover my spending, one that I have to repeat again and rebuild what I spent to had to give away over the past couple of months. Some things I still have to get, so I have to take some time to do it. The CPU for my new system I have not purchased yet. It does look like it will be later than February next year when I finish this machine (my next personal computer).
What would it take for me to find the girl that I will be happy with? Probably another lifetime. That much is clear to me at this point. Indeed, you can say I am in one of those moods again.
Makes me wonder am I gothick because of what I am inside or am I gothick because its how life circumstance has played it hand? As time goes by I find that the rift between my beliefs of youth and myself now drift further apart.
My reasons for cursing any form of deity, especially the Xian one is getting stronger and stronger in my life. Indeed there is no god in this fucked up world. Anyone who believes that is a stupid, ignorant asshole. That is the honest fact about it. Some will say look at what I do have… What do I have? An empty heart, disliked by nearly ever member of the opposite sex, the problems I have been cursed with? Are these things to be thankful for? Yes, they are people hungry, the fact that hunger for me is not the same thing is of no consequence because I am tortured psychologically to live this life. The only joy seems what I can enjoy materialistically.
Anyway such is life….